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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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3:32 pm - What the fuck!?!?
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Okay, apparently "someone" is saying that I said something about my sister's boyfriend at some party. I have no memory of this, nor think I would EVER do something so stupid! Not only that, it seems that someone also leeked that I have been doing drugs. I am offically pissed off, and trust me, it takes ALOT to do that, on medication or not!
I suddenly feel like my family is against me and do not believe me. Phfft, there's family loyality for you! I swear, when I find out who said these things, you do NOT know what I wll do to you! God, I just wanna leave my apartment and never come back, I am just so angry! I want to punch a wall, scream my lungs out, and cry at the same time.
I have been through enough shit since 2004, I do not need anymore! If anything, I feel like the strings that hold me together are all coming apart. First the fucking police don't believe me, now this! God, what is wrong with people and believing me!? Do I look like I would lie!?
I've stopped hanging out with bad crowds, since my medication is no longer in my system, and I realize that hanging out with such people could get me in trouble and bring me down with them like the fucking Titanic... and I don't want that! I've tried my best to be nice to everyone, but you know, that doesn't pay off. You cannot be everyone's friend, and you cannot do stupid things just to get people to like you! It's not worth it... it just is not worth it.
I'm supposed to go to a Halloween party, tonight, but I don't know if I want to go. I'll only be miserable with everything going on around me. Phfftt... then again, I am a miserable person to begin with.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood:  angry
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| Friday, October 14th, 2005
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6:46 pm - Sick.... so very, very sick....
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I've stayed in bed all day, today! I'm coughing until my chest hurts, my nose is killing me, I'm all stuffed up... ughhhh... being sick sucks. I don't know how I got this way, but to make sure it doesn't happen again, no more partying, drinking, etc. ... Nope, I'm not gonna do it anymore... not if it gets me this ill. Ugghhhh... o_o
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood:  sick
current music: Does the sound of my own coughing and sneezing count?
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| Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
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4:53 pm - Sleepy Over!!
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I'll be sleeping over a friend's house, tonight (you know who you are, you lucky people!), so I may not respond to any LJ comments or E-Mails until I return tomarrow. :-D I'm sure you people can live without my depressing babble for 24 hours or so! Well... I gotta get ready. gotta shower, get dressed, feed my Nintendog, and get my video agmes ready for sale! Talk to you all, soon! much love!
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
PS: If anyone knows who made my new Icon, please tell me, so I can give them credit! I Love it! NEMO!
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: "I Just Want You To Know" by the Backstreet Boys
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12:16 pm - Video Game Day!
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Today, I am trading in a shit load of my old video games, so I could buy some new ones! Mainly Phoenix Wright" Ace Attorney and Law and Order: Criminal Intent The Video Game. These games I am trading in, I do not play them anymore, so I might as well trade them in so someone else can enjoy them the way I did. :-)
My throat is very, very sore from a drip I have.... uggghhhh... I'm so sleepy and tired, too. Not even the crap on Maury can keep me awake. (Then again, it never could, and it's no fun without Josh making fun of it by my side.) *whines* I hate being siiiicccckkkkkkkk.....
The carpet in the basement really, REALLY stinks. We'll most likely have to tear that up, along with the pannels on the walls. Dad stayed home, today, to try and fix it, even though he is sick, too. He's such a good Dad, but I wished he would relax a bit more. He's always working, so is mom.
I think I am gonna crawl back into bed, listen to a bit of My Chemcial Romance, try to sleep. Talk to y'all later!
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood: sick
current music: My Chemical Romance
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| Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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2:57 pm - Blehhh...
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I HATE this weather! First, it rains so hard that the basement floods, and I am stuck helping my Dad for hours to try and pump the water out of the basement. (Which wasn't so bad... but no one enjoyed doing it.) And then, I wake up this morning with a drip, that is making the back of my throat feel very sore. Normally, I love rainy days, but this one is making me fusterated and ill. *sigh* At least it is not snow...
I went to the doctor's yesterday to talk about the strange red rashes on my body, as well as a lump I found in my left breast. She told me that my rashes are not ringworm, and probably dry patches. So I bought some expensive loation in hopes taht it will go away. If it does not, I'll have to go see the skin doctor. (Joy!) When she examined the lump in my breast, I was told that it did not feel like a gland, and to be on the safe side, I should get an ultra sound done on my breast, to find out what it is. Because of my family's history of Breast Cancer, I have to be concerned about this, and get it checked out right away. Even though I am only 23 (Soon to be 24), anything can happen.
Well, I finally found the best tasting noodle bowl in the world! (About damn time, too!) Nong Shim Spicy & Hot Noodle Bowls and Nong Shim Kimichi Flavored Noodle Bowls are the best tasting noodle bowls I have ever, EVER had! You can find them at Walmart in the noodle/asian section (And also where they keep the taco stuff!) for only 67 cents! So if you are on a budget and are looking for an easy to make Noodle Bowl, these are for you.
I Sooooooo wanna go out, today! I have a video game to pick up, as well as trade in a few of my old games. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attoerny for Nintendo DS comes out, today, as well as Law and Order: Criminal Inetent the PC Game! I have to choose which one I wish to got! Ugh! Not only that, I don't have a ride to get to South Hills to pick'em up! Ahhhh!! I hate this! *bangs her head on her desk*
The status of my driving lessons: I find the DMV website with the booklet online very inconvient, since I have to press the back button to go back to the chapter selection, and pick a new chapter. They do not even have a mailing list for the book! So hopefully, tomarrow night, I shall pop by the DMV, pick up the book, and start studying it better than I am, now. At this rate, I will not be on the road until early next year. *sigh* This is torture! TORTURE!!
The geek within me is very, very happy, now. I heard that they are bringing BACK Walker Texas Ranger! (Yay! Chuck Norris!) Well, I heard they are making a TV movie, but if they bring back the series, I will be so happy! So very happy! Yes, the show is cheesey, but I do love it... it actual had morals, whcih is rare on TV, now a days. It reminds me of the good old days... (Classic TV that not only had action, but morals to their stories) o_o I gotta go buy the DVD box set...
And that's all that is going on in Nicole Land, for now! Talk to you guys later!
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood:  dorky
current music: Nothing at the moment...
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| Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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7:13 pm - Playing Princess Maker 3!!
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Well... I continue my quest to play Princess Maker 3... in Korean. For those who do not know about the Princess Maker series, I shall explain. The basic storyline is that the Gods (Or a Fairy Queen from the third game) give you a daughter to raise. It is your job to see that she lives a happy, healthy life... and to give the child her wish of becoming a Princess. Easy, you think? WRONG! See, you have choices to make for your lovely new daughter's life, what schools she goes to, what jobs she attends, where you go on vacation, and even what clothes she should wear (For season purposes... you don't what your daughter to wear a sun dress in the bloody winter!) Everything you choose determins what she will become in life... and say for instance you have your lovely daughter working at the sleazy bar repeatively, and give her alot of charm classes... most likely, she will become someone's Mistress and lead a rather unhappy life. It's a rather difficult game, with about 60 endings you can get! Again, it is a challange, but it's alot of fun! So far... I have gotten 10 different endings, so far... yet no Princess Ending! Gah... I'll be at this forever!
I'm still feeling a bit down, but I'm hanging in there. I have so much to do around my apartment, yet I wish to go out, maybe go to a club, have fun like people my age. The thing is, because of my Aspbergers (Can't spell the stupid thing I have! lol) I lack the social skills I really need to have relationships, understand how people feel, etc. I pretty much end up the wallflower, or trying to be friends with everyone, because I don't know how they feel about me. It's kind of a saftey... I learned it as a kid. If I am nice to everyone, no one will hurt or make fun of me. *sigh* I wish I were like everyone else... but if I were, I would not be me... which is a good thing? I don't know...
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood:  amused
current music: Nothing at the moment
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| Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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11:56 pm - Still alive, if anyone even cares!
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Well, I am still living, breathing, and... just taking up space on this Earth. Frankly, I am very lonely... no one visits me, or asks if I wanna hnag out. I cannot drive, so I have basically been imprisoned in my apartment in the boondocks. It's a bit pathetic, but I am slowly starting to come out of this prison.
My new shrink is pushing me to do too much, too soon. I'm affraid that if I dump her as my shrink, I will not be able to find another that will work with the time-line I can see them. It upsets me, and leaves me rather depressed. I swear, she is really starting to get on my nerves! And now, because of the fact I cannot transportation, I will not be able to take part in a day program in Four Winds. Great, my chance to finally get out and do something, and it's basically... well... ruined. I am so stressed, it is not even funny.
I have not been able to focus, lately. I start and stop stories like crazy! I have so many ideas... but I feel as though they go to waste, along with my talent. I also feel as though no one wishes to see my works, sometimes. It upsets me... makes me feel rather useless to the world. Perhaps I expect too much... perhaps I live on the phrase of others. Without it, it's as though I do not exisit, or need to.
Have you ever gone in a swimming pool, a pond, teh sea, or a lake and just floated on your back, allow yourself to go under the water, and just water the world from beneath it? Everything is so wavy, almost like watching the wrold from inside a crystal. It is truly a beautiful site... I often I wished I could remain in such a state, just floating and seeing nothing but beauty, away from harsh voices, away from the people who amke fun and taunt me, away from everything. I could just float there... and forget everything.
That is all I have to say for now.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
current mood:  depressed
current music: "Dare" By Gorillaz
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| Monday, April 4th, 2005
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9:00 pm - I know I have not posted in a long... long... long time....
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Sorry for not posting in so long. I have been working on some issues in my life and such. I've been loosing large clumps of my hair when I take a shower, everyday, and it is starting to worry me. I am not going bald or have any bald spots... so I have no idea what is going on. It could be stress or who knows what. It's kinda depressing to me.
I've lost weight, I've gained weight, I've had it, I'm going to a two week free trial at a gym and then joining. I need to get in shape, and my doctors think that working out will make me a bit happier. I am willing to give it a shot.
I am a bit pissed at my parents, they got four tickets to see Green Day in concert, and gave my sister the fourth ticket to her boyfriend, never asking me if I wanted to go. I feel a bit hurt... like no one knows what I like and what I don't like. I feel very hurt... it's like I was invisible. Why didn't they think of me?
I have basically disowned my sister. We are not talking, and I refuse to give he any of my time. She thinks I think of myself as better than her. Is she in a nutshell or something!? She has a job, goes to college, can drive, and has a boyfriend for almost a year! I have nothing... I am nothing... and here she is, thinking I think myself as better than her! She's better than me by far... and the only thing I am better than her at is being respectful of my parents and kind to others. God, what is her problem...
I haven't really gone out or spoken to anyone in awhile... I've been feeling very tired and depressed as of late. It's really hard for me to do anything. Even getting dressed is like a chore, let alone getting out of bed. I mean... what is there to get up and get dressed for, you know?
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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5:41 pm - Taken from Diabla (With lurve!)
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current mood:  creative
current music: Vaintey Angel by FiXX
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| Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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2:30 pm - HENTAI PARTY CANCELLED
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Due to the fact too many people pulled out of my party, basically leaving it as just Dennis, Josh, and myself... I have decided to cancel it. This is all thanks to a lie my sister told, than Random Jenn just had to tell the whole god-damn world about, and get Jenn to believe I want her and Dennis to break up! First off, I am getting back together with my Ex-Boyfriend soon, I don't want Jenn and Dennis to break up, and I do not think I am better than everyone else! I just pretty much lost my whole party overnight, along with most of my friends! God... my life does suck.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner: The Deadly Gambit
PS: If anyone still wants to come to the Hentai Party, I may put it back on... the Orginal Date is for 3/11/05 8:00pm If you are still interested in coming, please give me a call, text message me, just get in contact with me.
current mood: depressed
current music: "Remeber Me" Intinal D Soundtrack
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| Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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9:36 pm - I hate everything!
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I got a new copy of "Confidental Confessions", and the first story I read pisses me off right away. A girl gets raped and the whole world believes her, but she doesn't press charges, because she feels it's her own fault. Now in reality, I get raped, and no one gives a flying fuck! My parents seem to be ashamed of it and didn't want me to press charges, the police bully and threaten me to basically say it was my fault, because I am Bi Polar. I did use to think it was my fault. My fault for inviting that bastard into my home and to see a movie that night. For him to trick me into telling him I was a virgin the day before (And I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him that day, too!). I want him dead! DEAD! He has no fuckin' right to do what he did to me, and he fuckin' gets away with it! I'll never see any justice or have anyone completely believe me, like those fuckin' cops! I hate them, I hate them all! I didn't deserve this kind of life, and as soon as I start to get better, something has to trigger a memory and make me even more depressed and anger. I want him to pay. I want him to be as miserable as I am... I want them all to pay for my pain!
Regards,
You know who the fuck I am by now.
current mood: angry
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| Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
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1:21 pm - I'm sick.... again....
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I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to toss cookies. I've been under alot of stress, lately, so it's probably from that. I honestly had thoughts of suicide this week, and I'm not happy with it. Only I would lay in bed for hours without sleep, thinking of what would happen if I were dead. Who would care, who wouldn't care, who would be there, who wouldn't. It's sad, some people think I have alot, but the truth is, I am very unhappy inside.
I still feel very sick, but I want company over. I hate being alone, I hate not being with friends, and I hate not having fun. I try many things to replace the lonly spots in me, but they are only a band aid. Now onw realizes how easy it is to smile and seem happy, when you are truly dying inside.
I honestly am not having a good week. My DVD player died, and I had to go out and buy a new one. I hate the one on the computer, so off to Sam's club I went. I got a new player, some new movies, but no one to watch them with. That makes me more depressed, having a new movie and no one to watch it with. I hate being lonely, I hate being sick.
I think I'm going to stay in bed, today. No point in getting up if no one is going to see me, right? Phone calls are loved, so if anyone feels like it, gimme a ring. I could use someone to talk to.
Jerry Orbach died, today. That's sad news. I was hoping to see him in the new spin off of Law and Order. I'm going to miss him playing as Lenny.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
current mood: depressed
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2:03 am - Stolen from Dennis...
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Kifed from Stixbot
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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| Friday, December 24th, 2004
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12:53 am - Christmas Eve!
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I'm only one day away from giving my presents to everyone in my family, and seeing their faces light up with joy (I hope) from their gifts! I always did like giving things to people and seeing them happy.
Today, I will recieve a new nightgown to wear for Christmas, an old tradition in my house. We always got new nightgowns to wear, for when Santa comes. We've been doing this for as long as I can remember. Even though my sister and I are adults, the tradtion stays. I like the tradtion, because I only get one new pair of PJ's each year (This year, two, because I just bought a Hello Kitty Nightgown).
Tonight, we'll be eatting spagetti with white clam sauce, with shrimp and scallops on the side. It's another tradition that I like. Mmmm.... sea food....
Though I should be filled with joy, I am worried. My medication makes me very weak and tired quickly. I cannot even walk half the length of a mall without being so tired and needing to sit down. I'm fuckin' 23 years of age, not 93! I should be able to walk the full length of a mall and the bottom, too, without any trouble or problems! I am so worried I will be like a zombie, or very tired during Christmas or Christmas Eve. I'm crying just thinking about all of this. What are these doctors doing to me? Why am I not better!? Why am I getting worse!?
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
current mood:  crazy
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| Monday, December 20th, 2004
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9:29 am - My Birthday Has Past....
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Well, I'm another year older, since December 18th. But I had fun on the 17th, as well!
On the 17th, Jenn and Dennis came over and gave me a giant, talking, Eeyore doll! He's so big and cuddley, I just adore him! They then took me on my Birthday wish, and we went to a bar in Cold Spring. A bunch of Drunken Men liked my kitty cat had, and I let them wear it, just to be polite. It was awfully funny, though! We then left and picked up some italian food. Dennis learned the joys of the potato macoroni, I had Mozerella sticks, and Jenn had a Meatball sub. After we were eatting in the bar, another man asked to try on my hat, and I let him. He was kinda funny, for an old man. Then an odd local girl sat in my lap and tried to molest me! Eep! She then turned her attentions to Jenn and tried to get her to come with her. She finally went away, and we left in a bit of a hurry! We then returned home and I opened my gift for Christmas from the happy couple. They got me Hello Kitty stuff! Even a video! (I wished I had a VCR... I'll have to find one, now!) I got them a $20 gift certificate to Best Buy, and I think they liked it. And thus ended my adventure on the 17th!
On my Birthday, my Parents bought me some jewelery and a giant Jewelery box, with many drawers! I loved it! Finally, some place to hang my necklaces! (Thanks, Mommy and Daddy!) My sister even got me a gift! Some lovely jewlery from Hot Topic that was red and had butterflies on it! (Thanks, Christine!) Mom even made me a Birthday cake, and it was very tasty! Later that night, Dave and Paul came over. Paul brought his XBOX and games (Sadly, I unhooked my XBOX and hooked up my Game Cube, so we couldn't play!) and Dave brought over his Nero Game Manual. It sounded like fun, but I wouldn't last in a cabin, in the woods. Dave also bought me the Special Edition of Predator, but it's on order, and I have to wait. That's cool with me. I find Dave and Paul interesting, since they know alot about the things I like. I think we can make good friends.... wait, we already are! ^_^
I'm thinking about getting a Bondage Fariy Tattoo, what do you guys think? I just bought the Japanese comic of "Farie Clinic" and it's uncensored! I can't wait until it arrives! I'm hoping to find a nice picture in the book for a tattoo.
And that is all from me, for now! Talk to you all later!
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
current mood:  Hyper
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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4:13 pm - School Girl Night was a bust, as was Bar Night,...
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We went to Facade for school girl night. Lisa, Jenn, and myself ended up being the ONLY school girls at this club! Not only that, the atmosphere sucked, every girl was like a size 2 comapire to us, and the DJ sucked royaly! (I think he forgot he was still in the state of New York.) We left after an hour or two, then moved on to Lisa's friend's house, where everyone was drunk, but me and Dennis. After that, we went home, which was the best part of the night! No more Facade, EVER.
Last Fridat Night, I went to The Congress pub in Poughkeepsie. I felt rather alone, no one talked to me, and when it was arrempted, it was just some sad news. (My Grandmother has Lung Cancer, now. So that came out in a conversation.) I had a Shirly temple to drink (And Dennis paid for it! What a guy!), and mademyself an ass, when I was asking Jenn what size cigarette holder she wanted. (I looked and sounded like I was asking about dildo size of something! It was so funny, but I am still very much embarassed over that incident!) Jenn was the only one to talk to me, and that was during a smoke, and when I paid for her drink. (Her blue drink was yummy! I should have ordered one, myself!) Then after that, we returned to my place where everyone used my bathroom, then left and I went to bed. I so suck at being social.
I was happy when I went to Facade for some reason, yet I hate the club. I dislike The Congress, because there isn't anyone worth talking to but the people I came in with. It's werid, very werid. I just want to go somewhere were people talk to me, even if it's for a minute, I want to be talked to, is that so much to ask?
Everyone is going to the movies, tomarrow. if I had a ride, I would so go! But I have no ride, so it's a no go. I just hope they have fun. I'll probably start cleaning my apartment, tomarrow. That should give me something to do, and make mom happy.
I know I bitch and moan sometimes about my mom, but she's a great mom. All she wants is a clean apartment and my happiness. She actuallt encourages me to go out when invited, or ask to follow along if possible. I think she's trying to help me re-live my teenage years, how they should have been. She's also over joyed I have friends, because I never really had any as a child. Heck, I looked in an old picture book and saw myself having birthday parties with no friends, or just one. It's so sad...
If there is anything I want more in this life, it would be a Birthday party with all my friends...
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
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| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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5:00 pm - Thrifty!
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Today, Jenn and Dennis took me to some thrift shops to find School girl loike clothing. I found a blue women's blazer and skirt, and Jen found this cool looking plaid blazer and skirt! I also found a sagetteris Ashtray, and I bought that for $1! Out oufits cost only $1, too!
We then went to the Salvation Army, so Jenn could find a white shirt to go with her "uniform", while I found a tie to go with my outfit. We soon left, and traveled futher into Poughkeepsie to find a white dress shirt for Jenn. We finally found on and she looked so nice in it! Dennis bought a bunch of comics, too.
We were then going to get my eyebrow pireced, and try to have Dennis do the same (but he didn't want one!). Sadly, the shop was closed when we got there, so I'll have to do it another time. And that was pretty much my whole day. I had so much fun with Jenn and Dennis, we should do it again soon... oh wait, we are doing it, soon! The school girl costumes we are working on are for a night club's theme night! We are going this Friday night! It's gonna rock!
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
current mood:  jubilant
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| Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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1:53 pm - Nervous
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I smoked 3 cigarettes, currently, because I'm so nervous about Friday. First, my Mom's going in for surgry, second, I'm going to a night club, and I don't know how to socialize or dance. All of this is happening of Friday, and I'm already a nervous wreck. I vouletered to stay home with Mom, but she wants me to go out and have fun with my friends. All she ever wants is for me to have a good time and socialize. Mom's so good to me.
My zippo lighter now has fluid in it, thanks to my sister who loaned me some Zippo lighter fluid. It works great, but you gotta be careful with it. I almost got burned lighting a cigarette. At least my sister was nice enough to fill the lighter for me, showing me how to do it.
I have to work at the library on Wednesday, the same day I get my cigarette holder. Looks like I'll have to wait to try it out. I feel guilty for ditching last week, the libary people are so nice to me, and I enjoy sorting out the DVD and CD racks. It's a slow progress, but I'm happy with the work I do.
Emma kitty still has a cone around her head, which makes her look silly. I feel bad for her. Next week she'll be completely healed, and much happier! yay for happiness!
That's all I have to say for now. I think I may go out for a 4th smoke in a few minutes. I gotta stop being so nervous about everything...
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
***Update***
I got my cigarette holder, today! It's small (4 and a hald inches tall), But it fights my Virgina Slims Cigarettes like a charm. I now just need a pipe cleaner to clean it every now and then. Yay! Happiness!
current mood: bouncy
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| Monday, November 15th, 2004
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4:15 pm - D'oh!
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The company called me up and informed me about my Cigarette Holder was dammaged and returned to the company. It was the last Precsious Pink Cigarette holder they had, and that I had to choose another color. I chose a greenish blue color for my holder and it was shipped out, today. I should have it by Wednesday! (The company is lockated in NYC) They were very nice to me and kind and curtious towards me, and perhaps I will buy from them again (For Cigarette Holders and cases) The website is: http://www.thegothicshoppe.com/ If you want to go check out their wares.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
current mood:  cold
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9:34 am - Hmmm...
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I'm taking less of my medicine, in hopes of getting myn sight back. it doesn't seem to be working at all. For four days, I lowered my dosage, and nothing. My sight is still blurry, and it's hard to see without the reading glasses. Looks like I'll be seeing the eye doctor, soon.
I've been reading a book on Aspergers, and I pretty much fit the whole damn profile. I lack any social skills, don't get into conversations on subjects I don't know, and my need for things to stay the same. It even suggested that I don't go to night-clubs, but go to areas with little socializing. That's bullshit, I've never been the social butterfly, but I am sure I could go to a night club and have a grand old time! (even if I don't know how to dance) I know Jenn said she wants to go to a club on Friday... maybe I'll ask if I can go along. (But I live so far away from Poughkeepsie, so no one might pick me up.) Anything is possible.
Regards,
Nicole Wagner
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